As I'm sure most men know... women are insane. Every single last woman is insane. End of story. And, I'm definitely no exception to that statement.
I think about ridiculous things all the time: If my daughter has so many of my personality traits, will she follow the same path I did? How much of her childhood have I completely screwed up and in turn, how much is that going to cost me for her therapy bill? If olive oil or vegetable oil is so much better to cook with, then why does butter taste so much better? Am I only supposed to eat the things that don't taste good? Does the fact that they don't taste as good classify those foods as "healthy?" Why do I dislike the color pink so much? Aren't all girls supposed to like pink? Does that mean that I am a failure as a female?
Yes, these are the stupid things that run through my head ALL the time. They run through my head in so many variations that, at almost 28 yrs old, it's like white noise now. But, lately, the white noise isn't so easy to ignore.
As stated before, I work from home, have barely any friends here and basically stick to myself and family. While this fact doesn't bother me as much as it did two months ago, it still means I have WAY too much time to think. This is not always a good thing. In fact, in my case it can be a very dangerous thing since I over-analyze everything even when I don't have time to myself. And, what is it that I over-analyze usually? Well, that would be the biggest thing in my life right now... my relationship.
About a week ago, Brendon and I braved the ice covered roads to make a trip to Wal-Mart for food. While standing in line, waiting among the droves of people at the check-out line, we somehow got onto the subject of types of books. I mentioned that I'm not really a fan of romance novels. He then made the statement that he and I basically ARE a romance novel. While the comment was meant to be sweet, I wasn't really too fond of it... mostly because it is a fact. Quiet boy and nerdy girl meet in middle school, she becomes too popular and he takes on the "bad boy" role, she moves away, he starts a family, they grow apart and lead separate lives until one day they are reunited and he finally tells her that he's loved her this whole time, they fall in love and make plans to spend the rest of their lives together... blah, blah, blah.
Okay, I know that sounds so "sweet" and "romantic" to most girls, but to me it sounds generic. I don't read romance novels because they are just that... generic. Boy meets girl, something dramatic happens that tears them apart, obstacles overcome, boy and girl reunite and everyone's happy. BORING. Where's the fun? Where's the excitement? Where are the valuable lessons learned that you carry with you for the rest of your life or the amazing sites you see that lead to captivating stories that are passed down for generations? I don't want to be a romance novel! I want to travel to Italy and gorge myself on pizza and pastries, watch the festival of San Fermin in Pamplona, take diving lessons in Australia, hand out mosquito nets and food in South Africa and paint an elephant in India! I don't want to be generic. I fear being generic.
And then comes the over-analysis: Does he want generic? Is he satisfied with generic? Is that metaphoric white picket fence, four children, steady jobs and dinner on the table by 6:00 enough for him? Does he know that's not enough for me? Better yet, what does he know about me? Does he really know me? Or does he only think he knows me based off of a girl he knew fifteen some-odd years ago? Does he have any desire to do any of those things I mentioned? I'll be in my forties by the time his youngest daughter is 18 - Do I really want to wait that long to do all of those things? Will I still have some spontaneity left in me by that time? Can I put up with or be satisfied with generic until then? I guess there's only one way to find out the answers to these questions. Unfortunately, there's the other part of me that doesn't want to know for fear that the answers may not be what I hope for. Then, the scariest question of all must be asked... Now what?
Where's the fun? Make your own. Where's the excitement? Create it every day! Where are the valuable lessons learned that you carry with you for the rest of your life or the amazing sites you see that lead to captivating stories that are passed down for generations? Life will provide those. "-) Most people want more or something different then they have. The 'craziest' thing I think I ever did was pick up at 40 and move to Florida. Many people think I've lead a very fasinating life. Wildlife rehab and animal rescue....boring to me,generic, that's just how I chose to spend my time...nothing extraordinary there. What's so exciting about getting up at 2 am to bottle feed or syringe feed 20+ orpahned wild animals of every species? It's all in perspective. Are there things I want to do? yes. My dream trip home to Scotland...will it ever be a reality? Time will tell. Now that I'm almost 50, I look back and wonder if I should have sucked it up and moved out to California with Paul, got married and lived comfortably. (Did I mention I hate Long Beach CA?) I think back on the 27 years since I told him no....every thing I've done, people I've met that have touched my life (like you), my daughter finding me, everything I've learned (some painful, some joyful) and ask if I would have given up what I've lived in the last 27 years. On the whole....no. There are always some things you'd rather not go through. So I guess I would ask you to ask yourself....you know what your dreams are...can you give up what you have now to chase your dreams that may or may not come true? Remember, some dreams are just that. They keep us going, from becoming stagnant. Not that some of them won't com true. They will. Are you afraid of the answers you may give yourself? Are you afraid to ask him what his deep rooted dreams are? Sometimes you just need to look into the eyes of those you love and ask, can I walk away from this love, even temporarily, for some 'thing'? Will my life really be 'full enough' doing things I dream of, without being able to reach out and touch those that I love? Don't 'what if' your life honey....live it! I know more things to think about about and roam around in your head! LOL! I love you!
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