After my last entry, I decided to take an in depth look at the things I was considering and weighing my options carefully. I started really evaluating the different directions my life could have taken had I made different decisions and using somewhat logical thinking to determine where I would be now had I made those different decisions. The conclusion, after all of this over-analysis? No matter which path I would have taken, I would never feel fully fulfilled if I didn't have a family of my own. Period. End of story.
I could travel all over the world, see and do so many different things, change my life and leave everything behind at this very moment, but if I didn't have a family to come home to and someone to love and be loved by, my life would be empty. And, the fact that I have THIS family to come home to, makes things all the better.
My daughter and I have basically grown up with each other. From day one, she was stuck with a mother who was nothing more than a child herself and was nowhere near ready to be a mom. I was fifteen and still rebelling against life, puberty and most of all my parents. I had no idea what the world was like. But, together, she and I found out the hard way what it was like to never have enough money, the importance of education, that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and many, many more lessons. The two of us continue to learn every single day, and I would have it no other way. I know that some may not think that this a fair enviornment to raise a child in and that perhaps I should have either given her up for adoption so that a "capable" family could have raised her in a better environment or perhaps even had an abortion and prevented the situation all together. But, to those people I only have one thing to say... "Mind your own fucking business!" My daughter may not have had every luxury in the world, but when she is older and has to fend for herself, she will know more than the average teenager and hopefully benefit from the trials we've gone through together. And through everything, the most important lesson I hope that I have instilled in her, is that no matter what family comes first.
And, now, with the direction my life has taken me in, and with the decisions I have made, I have the opportunity to be a part of three additional kiddo's lives. And, boy oh boy, what a crew they are! Lilly, age 2, is probably one of the coolest little girls I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She stole my heart within the first thirty seconds of meeting her and I'm pretty sure, everyone else that has met her could say the same thing. Even at two years old, she knows exactly what she wants, doesn't care about anyone else's opinion and fears nothing. She's very laid back and is one of those kids that if left to her own devices, she could entertain herself for hours on end without a care in the world. And, with those huge brown eyes, curly brown hair and her cuddle bug nature, she can get just about anything she wants most of the time. She reminds me the most of Brendon.
Logan, age 4, is a toddler-sized ball of adorable energy. With big blue eyes and a dimple in each cheek the size of the grand canyon, he's going to be major trouble he gets older! He keeps me guessing in every situation, that's for sure. That little boy is learning the perfect balance, too. He can be rough and tumble (and packs quite a punch) when playing around with Daddy and still have the ability to know that with me, it's cuddle time and he has to be more gentle. He's also the most curious out of the bunch. A day with Logan wouldn't be complete without answering a million questions, trying to feed his inquizitive brain. I definitely don't mind answering those questions, either, but absolutely LOVE the look on his face when you give him an all too complicated answer and he's not quite sure how to take it. LOL.
Lauryn, age 6, is the most cautious. She is the "observer." If she's completely silent, you can almost gaurantee that she is evaluating the situation. She is also a nuturer, trying to care for her brother and sister as if she were a mother rather than big sister. You can count on Lauryn if you need a volunteer to help with the dishes or to help you make dinner. No matter what's going on, she wants to help! If left to her own devices, she finds comfort in a world of her own. She can carry on a conversation and play out whole scenes in a play, all in her head if there is no one bugging her. She and I haven't had issues, but she definitely took the longest to warm up to me.
As for Brendon, there aren't enough words in the world to be able to describe him! But, what I can say is that he loves with his ENTIRE heart. From day one, I have never felt anything other than complete, honest, knock your socks off, love. He has a persistant desire to make sure I'm happy (which I cannot even begin to understand) and puts 110% into everything he does. The fact that he's so in tune with me and my emotions, can sometimes be burdensome when I want to be in a bad mood and he won't let me, but that's a quality that goes in the plus column rather than negative any day. He's everything I did and didn't know I wanted, wrapped up in one gorgeous package.
Sooo... Where would my life be without my family? At this point, that's a question I don't even have the desire to answer because I would have it no other way.
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