There seems to be a growing epidemic in the Abilene area. It has been here as long as I can remember and only continues to get worse. It's called... DRAMA! The worst part about this epidemic is that it is 100% curable yet no one seems to have the desire for it to get any better. And, despite my best efforts, I've learned the hard way that you can't save everyone... especially if they don't want to save themselves. But, what I can do is pass along some information and personal opinions on the matter.
So, here's the newsflash people. LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! I've lived outside the confines of this God Forsaken town and I can tell you from personal experience that living this way is just not right!
To All Of The Women: Guess what! Being beaten to a bloody pulp because you speak out of turn is NOT RIGHT! A man hitting your child because they're drunk and need to take out their aggression is NOT RIGHT! Having eight different "baby daddies" and expecting welfare to pay for your mistakes is NOT RIGHT! Spending your child support money on going out and getting drunk is NOT RIGHT! Trading your food stamps for drugs is NOT RIGHT! Using your children as leverage to get the father of your children to pay attention to you is NOT RIGHT! Sitting around and plotting how to make someone else's life more miserable than yours so that you can feel better about your life for a split second is NOT RIGHT!
To All Of The Men: Guess what! Getting a girl pregnant, no matter how messed up you were that night, and not taking care of your child(ren) is NOT RIGHT! Beating the crap out of ANYONE just to feel like a man is NOT RIGHT! Thinking you're not the definition of a dead beat dad, yet you don't pay child support and never talk to your kids is NOT RIGHT! Sleeping with multiple women and leading them all to believe you're faithful is NOT RIGHT! Using your "baby mama" as a back-up whenever you're lonely is NOT RIGHT! Going out to the bar every night when you know you have responsibilities to take care of at home is NOT RIGHT! Participating in illegal acts because you don't have the drive to get your ass up and go get a job is NOT RIGHT!
And, that's only the tip of the iceberg, my friends. GROW UP, PEOPLE! I mean seriously! There is more to life than this!
There are a world of people out there and every single last one of them is different and interesting in their own way! There are a million different cultures that believe is so many things and you can learn about and experience them if you would just open your mind! There are tons of different foods you can try, art you can experience and lessons you can learn that will make you a better person!
I'm lucky. I've grown up in a family that doesn't discriminate or judge a book by its cover. I was always taught that opening your mind to all possibilities made you a better person for what you could learn. And, you know what? It was all true! And, for those of you that think you need a vast amount of money in order to do this... so not true. I've had the pleasure of sharing a sandwich with a 67 yr old homeless guy named Marcus. We sat on a park bench, eating a turkey, cheese and mayo sandwich, talking about his life and experiences. I learned more about who I was and what kind of person I wanted to be from that 45 minute conversation than I did in all the time I spent in school.
I understand how hard it is to live in a dead beat town designed to keep everyone in poverty. I get it. I've been on both sides of the fence and I totally used to be one of those drama-stricken, big mouthed women who fed off of other people's misery. But, not anymore! I realize that it's a disease of sorts and like any good recovery program, the first step to changing is HONESTY. And, this doesn't just mean speaking your mind to everyone. This also means being honest with yourself. Why are you using your child(ren) as leverage? Be honest. I bet you it's because you're lonely and you want someone to care about your situation as much as you do. That's when you need to take a step back and realize that you got yourself into that situation and you need to put your "big girl" panties on and be a strong woman for your child. If the father doesn't care about his kid(s), his loss. You can't make someone care if they don't want to and you can't change someone. They need to change themselves. So, worry about you, get your shit straight and grow up. The truth hurts... suck it up because that's life.
Considering cheating on your significant other? Be honest with them! If you're thinking about cheating then you're obviously not happy in your current relationship, so why are you staying in it? Instead of cheating, how about you be honest with your significant other and just tell them that you're not happy. Then, you can make the choice of whether or not you want to work on things with that person or if you're ready to call it quits. If you call an end to your relationship because you're honest with that person, I can personally guarantee you that it will hurt the other person a lot less than going behind their back to deceive them. And, it takes a lot less effort than trying to keep up a lie. Again, grow up!
It's simple. Less drama = less stress. Less stress = more time for happiness. And, everyone wants to be happy, right?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What Makes A Good Dad?
Most parents, at one point or another, think they are bad parents. For me... I think that a lot, despite what I've been told. But, what exactly constitutes as being a "good" parent? Well, here are a few of the observations I've made about the Dads in my life (my dad, my amazing fiance, my soon to be father-in-law, etc.) that I think are shining examples of what makes a good dad. This is not nearly all of the reasons... just a few of my favorites that mean a lot to me:
- not afraid to change a dirty diaper
- asks how your day was when you get home from school and actually wants to hear the answer
- takes an interest in your hobbies, even if they don't share your interest or understand them
- constantly pushes you to do your best, even if it can get annoying
- not afraid to make a fool out of himself in public just to get a laugh out of you
- can be strict and seem mean at times, but still takes time to cuddle with you on the couch, give you a big hug and tell you he loves you
- will throw a wrench at someone's head, without even thinking, if they talk about his kids in an unsavory way
- will play video games with a teenage girl (who has NO hand-eye coordination) even though it frustrates the hell out of him, just because she asked him to play
- will pass up an opportunity to go out with friends, just to spend more time with the family
- will sit through a painfully boring PTA meeting just to see his kid perform for 2 minutes in a school play
- will drive with you across the country so that you can move to a new state (away from him) because the man you are moving to be with makes you utterly happy
- will come have coffee with you at 2am because you're upset and need to talk
- carries a picture of you in his wallet at all times
- will destroy his credit to co-sign for you so that you can learn an important lesson about paying bills
- will give you a hard time and make fun of you (in good fun) to toughen you up, but if anyone else talks badly to you he will do nothing short of punching them in the face
- he counts you as one of "his" even if you're not biologically linked
- will fall asleep on the couch with a sick baby in his arms, because she will only sleep when she's sitting upright
And, that's not even skimming the top off of the list. So, thank you to all of those dads out there that put up with all of their kid(s)' crap and still love them with every ounce they have. Despite what you may think from time to time, you make a HUGE difference in your kid(s) life!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
WE LOVE YOU! <3
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
How Old Am I?
Okay, so I know by most people's qualifications, I'm not "old." But, the fact of the matter is that I'm getting "older." There's no denying it. It's an unavoidable fact that time marches on. But what exactly does "old" mean? Is it just a measurement of how many more aches and pains I have now vs. when I was 18? Is it an indication that I should be at a certain point in my life and progressing at a socially acceptable rate with a family, career, etc.? Does it mean that I should start slapping on age-defying cream when I notice an extra wrinkle in the crease in my eyes when I smile or squint or excersizing like crazy because I've put on 15 pounds since I've moved back to Texas?
Just for grins, I took a test online today to see what my mental age was. The result? 45. 45!!! My brain thinks like a forty-five year old, middle-aged, woman. I'm supposed to be 28 today! Not to mention that I had a child at 15, I've been in multiple car accidents, experimented with various drugs as a teenager and have had multiple other health issues, so my body probably has endured about the same damage as about... hmmm... a 45 year old?
If you ask my mother how old she is, she will always tell you the same thing. She's nineteen. And, she'll tell you without a single, sarcastic inflection in her voice. She... is nineteen. There's nothing else to it. Screw the fact that she was born in the 50's! She has defied time and is still nineteen years old. Why? Because despite all physical ailments, she feels nineteen. "I think, therefore I am." ~ Rene Descartes. I... for the most part, feel like I'm 45.
So, does the fact that I have been on this planet as it has revolved around the sun 28 times, make me 28 or am I 45 because that's how I think and feel?
How about this for an idea: It doesn't matter. I could walk outside and get run over by a speeding UPS truck that is late for a delivery and game over. I'm done. Then my age doesn't matter unless it's being referenced in a conversation involving the disbelief that I was either "taken too early" or that someone "couldn't believe that I made it that long" (depending on who you talk to. LOL). So, while I'm very appreciative of those that have wished me happiness on the day of my birth, I will still live each day as it is my last. Happy and greatful for the best friends and family in the world. And that... my friends... is a fact. ;o)
Just for grins, I took a test online today to see what my mental age was. The result? 45. 45!!! My brain thinks like a forty-five year old, middle-aged, woman. I'm supposed to be 28 today! Not to mention that I had a child at 15, I've been in multiple car accidents, experimented with various drugs as a teenager and have had multiple other health issues, so my body probably has endured about the same damage as about... hmmm... a 45 year old?
If you ask my mother how old she is, she will always tell you the same thing. She's nineteen. And, she'll tell you without a single, sarcastic inflection in her voice. She... is nineteen. There's nothing else to it. Screw the fact that she was born in the 50's! She has defied time and is still nineteen years old. Why? Because despite all physical ailments, she feels nineteen. "I think, therefore I am." ~ Rene Descartes. I... for the most part, feel like I'm 45.
So, does the fact that I have been on this planet as it has revolved around the sun 28 times, make me 28 or am I 45 because that's how I think and feel?
How about this for an idea: It doesn't matter. I could walk outside and get run over by a speeding UPS truck that is late for a delivery and game over. I'm done. Then my age doesn't matter unless it's being referenced in a conversation involving the disbelief that I was either "taken too early" or that someone "couldn't believe that I made it that long" (depending on who you talk to. LOL). So, while I'm very appreciative of those that have wished me happiness on the day of my birth, I will still live each day as it is my last. Happy and greatful for the best friends and family in the world. And that... my friends... is a fact. ;o)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Guys vs. Gals
From the moment we are born, we are taught that there is a distinct difference between boys and girls (other than the obvious difference in gender related body parts). Girls are supposed to be "delicate" while boys are bred to be "rough and tumble." As we grow, we notice that there are additional differences, with the main one being hormones. Girls are more "sensitive" and boys... well, boys just seem to be dense, testosterone driven morons during puberty. I always prided myself on being able to somewhat understand a guy's point of view, at least more than the average girl, and was pretty convinced I had guys pegged and could understand what they were thinking on an average basis. And then, at the age of 27, I decided to move back to Texas and not only live with 1, but 2 fully grown men (my fiance and his best friend/our brother of claims, Josh). And, do you know what I've learned in the four short months the three of us have been living together? Everything I thought I knew about guys is...
WRONG!!!
They are WAY worse than I thought! The two of them can sit on the couch and joke about how they hit each other in various body parts with a sledge hammer or what happened when a certain type of barbed wire wrapped around them while they were building a fence in the middle of nowhere and how much blood they lost! And they LAUGH at it! It's apparently funny for reasons I can't even fathom!
And, the words "I'm Bored," are words I've come to fear. "I'm Bored," usually means that something is going to be destroyed, taken apart, built, painted, altered, etc... in other words: One Big Mess! When the two of them get an off-the-wall idea and start plotting it out, I only have one word of advice. Beware! At which point, you can only do one of three things: 1. Try to convince them to do something else (which is pointless and you WILL lose that battle). 2. Offer to help (and possibly run the risk of becoming an accomplice if things go wrong). or 3. Sit back and try to find something else to occupy your time while they do whatever it is they are going to do and hope for the best. Personally, I've learned that the third option is the safest. In the four months that we've lived together, I can count on one hand the nights we've had that they DIDN'T get into something. Luckily, both of them are artistic (which is awesome) so their outlets usually flow in that direction but are also pretty costly at the same time.
I've also learned that titles such as "fat head," "dick," "ass," "dumb blond," "moron," "retard," "bitch," "pansy," etc. are actually terms of endearment! With these country boys, if they aren't making fun of you, they don't like you... seriously. Thankfully, I'm called "fat head" or "prostitutor" (don't ask) a lot around here. ;o)
This next lesson I've known for quite some time... it's my puberty-stricken daughter that has recently learned from this one. DO NOT, under any circumstances, ask any of these boys if the outfit, jeans, shirt, dress, etc. you are wearing makes you look fat! One, or both of them, will yell out from the other room, without even having seen you, "YES!" at the top of their lungs. They have no tact. Period. LOL... I've witnessed my daughter ask this honest question, expecting a certain response and then being blindsided by their verbal, one-worded assault. I'm sure this makes me a horrible mother, but I must say... it was HILARIOUS! Needless to say, I don't think she'll be asking that question again. Hehehehe...
Also, "determination" is an understatement with them. You cannot tell them that they can't do something. You WILL be proven wrong. Even if they didn't really have any intention of completing said "impossible" task, they will damn sure do it if you tell them they can't. Need to take off a tire to fix something on a motorcycle but don't have the proper way of lifting it? No problem! Sit back and watch the two of them perform the act of taking a crappy-ass jack and a piece of wood on top of the jack to lift the bike off of the ground while one of them fixes what needed to be fixed and the other one holds the teetering, heavy-ass bike so it doesn't fall. That was last just night's project. *shaking my head*
And, they can fix pretty much anything. Really, they can! For example, our destructive puppy decided to shred the power cord to the laptop into four pieces just recently. This is when I would usually run around the house trying to kill the dog, realize that the laptop is what I work on and is our main source of income, almost cry and then try to figure out how in the hell we're going to pay for another one when we are flat broke. Wrong again... Josh comes home, takes a look at the cord(s), and says "I can fix it." Fifteen minutes later... Bam! Cord is usable once again. I love it!!! Cabinet in the kitchen won't stay closed? Brendon says, "I can fix it." Five minutes later... Bam! Cabinet is closing properly. Computer not working? Either one of them: "I can fix it." Twenty minutes later... Bam! Computer is working better than it was before. It's like having two handymen on call 24/7. This is great!
I love them both dearly and they have taught me a lot more about guys than I really ever wanted to know. LOL. The best part is, even though the two of them can drive me crazy from time to time, it's always an adventure in our house. I can't wait to see what adventure today brings... :o)
WRONG!!!
They are WAY worse than I thought! The two of them can sit on the couch and joke about how they hit each other in various body parts with a sledge hammer or what happened when a certain type of barbed wire wrapped around them while they were building a fence in the middle of nowhere and how much blood they lost! And they LAUGH at it! It's apparently funny for reasons I can't even fathom!
And, the words "I'm Bored," are words I've come to fear. "I'm Bored," usually means that something is going to be destroyed, taken apart, built, painted, altered, etc... in other words: One Big Mess! When the two of them get an off-the-wall idea and start plotting it out, I only have one word of advice. Beware! At which point, you can only do one of three things: 1. Try to convince them to do something else (which is pointless and you WILL lose that battle). 2. Offer to help (and possibly run the risk of becoming an accomplice if things go wrong). or 3. Sit back and try to find something else to occupy your time while they do whatever it is they are going to do and hope for the best. Personally, I've learned that the third option is the safest. In the four months that we've lived together, I can count on one hand the nights we've had that they DIDN'T get into something. Luckily, both of them are artistic (which is awesome) so their outlets usually flow in that direction but are also pretty costly at the same time.
I've also learned that titles such as "fat head," "dick," "ass," "dumb blond," "moron," "retard," "bitch," "pansy," etc. are actually terms of endearment! With these country boys, if they aren't making fun of you, they don't like you... seriously. Thankfully, I'm called "fat head" or "prostitutor" (don't ask) a lot around here. ;o)
This next lesson I've known for quite some time... it's my puberty-stricken daughter that has recently learned from this one. DO NOT, under any circumstances, ask any of these boys if the outfit, jeans, shirt, dress, etc. you are wearing makes you look fat! One, or both of them, will yell out from the other room, without even having seen you, "YES!" at the top of their lungs. They have no tact. Period. LOL... I've witnessed my daughter ask this honest question, expecting a certain response and then being blindsided by their verbal, one-worded assault. I'm sure this makes me a horrible mother, but I must say... it was HILARIOUS! Needless to say, I don't think she'll be asking that question again. Hehehehe...
Also, "determination" is an understatement with them. You cannot tell them that they can't do something. You WILL be proven wrong. Even if they didn't really have any intention of completing said "impossible" task, they will damn sure do it if you tell them they can't. Need to take off a tire to fix something on a motorcycle but don't have the proper way of lifting it? No problem! Sit back and watch the two of them perform the act of taking a crappy-ass jack and a piece of wood on top of the jack to lift the bike off of the ground while one of them fixes what needed to be fixed and the other one holds the teetering, heavy-ass bike so it doesn't fall. That was last just night's project. *shaking my head*
And, they can fix pretty much anything. Really, they can! For example, our destructive puppy decided to shred the power cord to the laptop into four pieces just recently. This is when I would usually run around the house trying to kill the dog, realize that the laptop is what I work on and is our main source of income, almost cry and then try to figure out how in the hell we're going to pay for another one when we are flat broke. Wrong again... Josh comes home, takes a look at the cord(s), and says "I can fix it." Fifteen minutes later... Bam! Cord is usable once again. I love it!!! Cabinet in the kitchen won't stay closed? Brendon says, "I can fix it." Five minutes later... Bam! Cabinet is closing properly. Computer not working? Either one of them: "I can fix it." Twenty minutes later... Bam! Computer is working better than it was before. It's like having two handymen on call 24/7. This is great!
I love them both dearly and they have taught me a lot more about guys than I really ever wanted to know. LOL. The best part is, even though the two of them can drive me crazy from time to time, it's always an adventure in our house. I can't wait to see what adventure today brings... :o)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
And Now Time For A Bit Of Mush...
If I could have but one wish
I wish to wake up every day
To the sound of your breath on my neck,
The warmth of your lips on my cheek,
The touch of your fingers on my skin,
And the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find
That feeling with anyone but you
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day In And Day Out
After my last entry, I decided to take an in depth look at the things I was considering and weighing my options carefully. I started really evaluating the different directions my life could have taken had I made different decisions and using somewhat logical thinking to determine where I would be now had I made those different decisions. The conclusion, after all of this over-analysis? No matter which path I would have taken, I would never feel fully fulfilled if I didn't have a family of my own. Period. End of story.
I could travel all over the world, see and do so many different things, change my life and leave everything behind at this very moment, but if I didn't have a family to come home to and someone to love and be loved by, my life would be empty. And, the fact that I have THIS family to come home to, makes things all the better.
My daughter and I have basically grown up with each other. From day one, she was stuck with a mother who was nothing more than a child herself and was nowhere near ready to be a mom. I was fifteen and still rebelling against life, puberty and most of all my parents. I had no idea what the world was like. But, together, she and I found out the hard way what it was like to never have enough money, the importance of education, that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and many, many more lessons. The two of us continue to learn every single day, and I would have it no other way. I know that some may not think that this a fair enviornment to raise a child in and that perhaps I should have either given her up for adoption so that a "capable" family could have raised her in a better environment or perhaps even had an abortion and prevented the situation all together. But, to those people I only have one thing to say... "Mind your own fucking business!" My daughter may not have had every luxury in the world, but when she is older and has to fend for herself, she will know more than the average teenager and hopefully benefit from the trials we've gone through together. And through everything, the most important lesson I hope that I have instilled in her, is that no matter what family comes first.
And, now, with the direction my life has taken me in, and with the decisions I have made, I have the opportunity to be a part of three additional kiddo's lives. And, boy oh boy, what a crew they are! Lilly, age 2, is probably one of the coolest little girls I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She stole my heart within the first thirty seconds of meeting her and I'm pretty sure, everyone else that has met her could say the same thing. Even at two years old, she knows exactly what she wants, doesn't care about anyone else's opinion and fears nothing. She's very laid back and is one of those kids that if left to her own devices, she could entertain herself for hours on end without a care in the world. And, with those huge brown eyes, curly brown hair and her cuddle bug nature, she can get just about anything she wants most of the time. She reminds me the most of Brendon.
Logan, age 4, is a toddler-sized ball of adorable energy. With big blue eyes and a dimple in each cheek the size of the grand canyon, he's going to be major trouble he gets older! He keeps me guessing in every situation, that's for sure. That little boy is learning the perfect balance, too. He can be rough and tumble (and packs quite a punch) when playing around with Daddy and still have the ability to know that with me, it's cuddle time and he has to be more gentle. He's also the most curious out of the bunch. A day with Logan wouldn't be complete without answering a million questions, trying to feed his inquizitive brain. I definitely don't mind answering those questions, either, but absolutely LOVE the look on his face when you give him an all too complicated answer and he's not quite sure how to take it. LOL.
Lauryn, age 6, is the most cautious. She is the "observer." If she's completely silent, you can almost gaurantee that she is evaluating the situation. She is also a nuturer, trying to care for her brother and sister as if she were a mother rather than big sister. You can count on Lauryn if you need a volunteer to help with the dishes or to help you make dinner. No matter what's going on, she wants to help! If left to her own devices, she finds comfort in a world of her own. She can carry on a conversation and play out whole scenes in a play, all in her head if there is no one bugging her. She and I haven't had issues, but she definitely took the longest to warm up to me.
As for Brendon, there aren't enough words in the world to be able to describe him! But, what I can say is that he loves with his ENTIRE heart. From day one, I have never felt anything other than complete, honest, knock your socks off, love. He has a persistant desire to make sure I'm happy (which I cannot even begin to understand) and puts 110% into everything he does. The fact that he's so in tune with me and my emotions, can sometimes be burdensome when I want to be in a bad mood and he won't let me, but that's a quality that goes in the plus column rather than negative any day. He's everything I did and didn't know I wanted, wrapped up in one gorgeous package.
Sooo... Where would my life be without my family? At this point, that's a question I don't even have the desire to answer because I would have it no other way.
I could travel all over the world, see and do so many different things, change my life and leave everything behind at this very moment, but if I didn't have a family to come home to and someone to love and be loved by, my life would be empty. And, the fact that I have THIS family to come home to, makes things all the better.
My daughter and I have basically grown up with each other. From day one, she was stuck with a mother who was nothing more than a child herself and was nowhere near ready to be a mom. I was fifteen and still rebelling against life, puberty and most of all my parents. I had no idea what the world was like. But, together, she and I found out the hard way what it was like to never have enough money, the importance of education, that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and many, many more lessons. The two of us continue to learn every single day, and I would have it no other way. I know that some may not think that this a fair enviornment to raise a child in and that perhaps I should have either given her up for adoption so that a "capable" family could have raised her in a better environment or perhaps even had an abortion and prevented the situation all together. But, to those people I only have one thing to say... "Mind your own fucking business!" My daughter may not have had every luxury in the world, but when she is older and has to fend for herself, she will know more than the average teenager and hopefully benefit from the trials we've gone through together. And through everything, the most important lesson I hope that I have instilled in her, is that no matter what family comes first.
And, now, with the direction my life has taken me in, and with the decisions I have made, I have the opportunity to be a part of three additional kiddo's lives. And, boy oh boy, what a crew they are! Lilly, age 2, is probably one of the coolest little girls I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She stole my heart within the first thirty seconds of meeting her and I'm pretty sure, everyone else that has met her could say the same thing. Even at two years old, she knows exactly what she wants, doesn't care about anyone else's opinion and fears nothing. She's very laid back and is one of those kids that if left to her own devices, she could entertain herself for hours on end without a care in the world. And, with those huge brown eyes, curly brown hair and her cuddle bug nature, she can get just about anything she wants most of the time. She reminds me the most of Brendon.
Logan, age 4, is a toddler-sized ball of adorable energy. With big blue eyes and a dimple in each cheek the size of the grand canyon, he's going to be major trouble he gets older! He keeps me guessing in every situation, that's for sure. That little boy is learning the perfect balance, too. He can be rough and tumble (and packs quite a punch) when playing around with Daddy and still have the ability to know that with me, it's cuddle time and he has to be more gentle. He's also the most curious out of the bunch. A day with Logan wouldn't be complete without answering a million questions, trying to feed his inquizitive brain. I definitely don't mind answering those questions, either, but absolutely LOVE the look on his face when you give him an all too complicated answer and he's not quite sure how to take it. LOL.
Lauryn, age 6, is the most cautious. She is the "observer." If she's completely silent, you can almost gaurantee that she is evaluating the situation. She is also a nuturer, trying to care for her brother and sister as if she were a mother rather than big sister. You can count on Lauryn if you need a volunteer to help with the dishes or to help you make dinner. No matter what's going on, she wants to help! If left to her own devices, she finds comfort in a world of her own. She can carry on a conversation and play out whole scenes in a play, all in her head if there is no one bugging her. She and I haven't had issues, but she definitely took the longest to warm up to me.
As for Brendon, there aren't enough words in the world to be able to describe him! But, what I can say is that he loves with his ENTIRE heart. From day one, I have never felt anything other than complete, honest, knock your socks off, love. He has a persistant desire to make sure I'm happy (which I cannot even begin to understand) and puts 110% into everything he does. The fact that he's so in tune with me and my emotions, can sometimes be burdensome when I want to be in a bad mood and he won't let me, but that's a quality that goes in the plus column rather than negative any day. He's everything I did and didn't know I wanted, wrapped up in one gorgeous package.
Sooo... Where would my life be without my family? At this point, that's a question I don't even have the desire to answer because I would have it no other way.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Over-Analysis
As I'm sure most men know... women are insane. Every single last woman is insane. End of story. And, I'm definitely no exception to that statement.
I think about ridiculous things all the time: If my daughter has so many of my personality traits, will she follow the same path I did? How much of her childhood have I completely screwed up and in turn, how much is that going to cost me for her therapy bill? If olive oil or vegetable oil is so much better to cook with, then why does butter taste so much better? Am I only supposed to eat the things that don't taste good? Does the fact that they don't taste as good classify those foods as "healthy?" Why do I dislike the color pink so much? Aren't all girls supposed to like pink? Does that mean that I am a failure as a female?
Yes, these are the stupid things that run through my head ALL the time. They run through my head in so many variations that, at almost 28 yrs old, it's like white noise now. But, lately, the white noise isn't so easy to ignore.
As stated before, I work from home, have barely any friends here and basically stick to myself and family. While this fact doesn't bother me as much as it did two months ago, it still means I have WAY too much time to think. This is not always a good thing. In fact, in my case it can be a very dangerous thing since I over-analyze everything even when I don't have time to myself. And, what is it that I over-analyze usually? Well, that would be the biggest thing in my life right now... my relationship.
About a week ago, Brendon and I braved the ice covered roads to make a trip to Wal-Mart for food. While standing in line, waiting among the droves of people at the check-out line, we somehow got onto the subject of types of books. I mentioned that I'm not really a fan of romance novels. He then made the statement that he and I basically ARE a romance novel. While the comment was meant to be sweet, I wasn't really too fond of it... mostly because it is a fact. Quiet boy and nerdy girl meet in middle school, she becomes too popular and he takes on the "bad boy" role, she moves away, he starts a family, they grow apart and lead separate lives until one day they are reunited and he finally tells her that he's loved her this whole time, they fall in love and make plans to spend the rest of their lives together... blah, blah, blah.
Okay, I know that sounds so "sweet" and "romantic" to most girls, but to me it sounds generic. I don't read romance novels because they are just that... generic. Boy meets girl, something dramatic happens that tears them apart, obstacles overcome, boy and girl reunite and everyone's happy. BORING. Where's the fun? Where's the excitement? Where are the valuable lessons learned that you carry with you for the rest of your life or the amazing sites you see that lead to captivating stories that are passed down for generations? I don't want to be a romance novel! I want to travel to Italy and gorge myself on pizza and pastries, watch the festival of San Fermin in Pamplona, take diving lessons in Australia, hand out mosquito nets and food in South Africa and paint an elephant in India! I don't want to be generic. I fear being generic.
And then comes the over-analysis: Does he want generic? Is he satisfied with generic? Is that metaphoric white picket fence, four children, steady jobs and dinner on the table by 6:00 enough for him? Does he know that's not enough for me? Better yet, what does he know about me? Does he really know me? Or does he only think he knows me based off of a girl he knew fifteen some-odd years ago? Does he have any desire to do any of those things I mentioned? I'll be in my forties by the time his youngest daughter is 18 - Do I really want to wait that long to do all of those things? Will I still have some spontaneity left in me by that time? Can I put up with or be satisfied with generic until then? I guess there's only one way to find out the answers to these questions. Unfortunately, there's the other part of me that doesn't want to know for fear that the answers may not be what I hope for. Then, the scariest question of all must be asked... Now what?
I think about ridiculous things all the time: If my daughter has so many of my personality traits, will she follow the same path I did? How much of her childhood have I completely screwed up and in turn, how much is that going to cost me for her therapy bill? If olive oil or vegetable oil is so much better to cook with, then why does butter taste so much better? Am I only supposed to eat the things that don't taste good? Does the fact that they don't taste as good classify those foods as "healthy?" Why do I dislike the color pink so much? Aren't all girls supposed to like pink? Does that mean that I am a failure as a female?
Yes, these are the stupid things that run through my head ALL the time. They run through my head in so many variations that, at almost 28 yrs old, it's like white noise now. But, lately, the white noise isn't so easy to ignore.
As stated before, I work from home, have barely any friends here and basically stick to myself and family. While this fact doesn't bother me as much as it did two months ago, it still means I have WAY too much time to think. This is not always a good thing. In fact, in my case it can be a very dangerous thing since I over-analyze everything even when I don't have time to myself. And, what is it that I over-analyze usually? Well, that would be the biggest thing in my life right now... my relationship.
About a week ago, Brendon and I braved the ice covered roads to make a trip to Wal-Mart for food. While standing in line, waiting among the droves of people at the check-out line, we somehow got onto the subject of types of books. I mentioned that I'm not really a fan of romance novels. He then made the statement that he and I basically ARE a romance novel. While the comment was meant to be sweet, I wasn't really too fond of it... mostly because it is a fact. Quiet boy and nerdy girl meet in middle school, she becomes too popular and he takes on the "bad boy" role, she moves away, he starts a family, they grow apart and lead separate lives until one day they are reunited and he finally tells her that he's loved her this whole time, they fall in love and make plans to spend the rest of their lives together... blah, blah, blah.
Okay, I know that sounds so "sweet" and "romantic" to most girls, but to me it sounds generic. I don't read romance novels because they are just that... generic. Boy meets girl, something dramatic happens that tears them apart, obstacles overcome, boy and girl reunite and everyone's happy. BORING. Where's the fun? Where's the excitement? Where are the valuable lessons learned that you carry with you for the rest of your life or the amazing sites you see that lead to captivating stories that are passed down for generations? I don't want to be a romance novel! I want to travel to Italy and gorge myself on pizza and pastries, watch the festival of San Fermin in Pamplona, take diving lessons in Australia, hand out mosquito nets and food in South Africa and paint an elephant in India! I don't want to be generic. I fear being generic.
And then comes the over-analysis: Does he want generic? Is he satisfied with generic? Is that metaphoric white picket fence, four children, steady jobs and dinner on the table by 6:00 enough for him? Does he know that's not enough for me? Better yet, what does he know about me? Does he really know me? Or does he only think he knows me based off of a girl he knew fifteen some-odd years ago? Does he have any desire to do any of those things I mentioned? I'll be in my forties by the time his youngest daughter is 18 - Do I really want to wait that long to do all of those things? Will I still have some spontaneity left in me by that time? Can I put up with or be satisfied with generic until then? I guess there's only one way to find out the answers to these questions. Unfortunately, there's the other part of me that doesn't want to know for fear that the answers may not be what I hope for. Then, the scariest question of all must be asked... Now what?
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